Try Softer

We live in unprecedented times—or at least unprecedented for those of us currently going through it. I don’t think it’s actually possible to know what to do in response to the shitstorm that is US politics at the moment. It’s bad, and there’s no reason to think it won’t get much, much worse. And the reasonable response is both a sense of intense urgency and a feeling complete overwhelm. Clearly something needs to be done, but what can any of us do?

Generally, when we are confronted with a huge problem, whether personal or social, we are urged to try harder, to power through, to push and to demand more of ourselves and others. We are told that the successful people in life are the ones with grit, with determination, who refuse to take no for an answer and just keep moving forward. And I’m not saying that’s wrong, but I confess that in this moment I have no idea what it looks like. Beyond making a monthly donation to the ACLU (which I definitely recommend for anyone who can afford it), where do I push? I have no lack of moral outrage, but where do you direct moral outrage when it turns out that neither laws nor human decency are considered relevant?

I am not suggesting that we give up, or roll over, or pull the covers up over I heads and try to pretend that nothing is wrong. I don’t think it is helpful to relinquish hope or a sense of agency, and I don’t think we should ever stop trying. But instead of trying harder, maybe we could try softer. With more flexibility, more curiosity, more ability to shift to meet the moment.

If success is defined as trying harder, pushing forward until we win, well…I don’t know what that looks like. But trying softer—that could look like pretty much anything. A conversation with a neighbor or friend. A phone call to a congressperson. A phone number you memorize to call for help. An article you read, and maybe share. A container of soup shared with a neighbor.

Trying harder looks like choosing a path and committing to it against all odds. Trying softer looks like doing something—even something small—and evaluating how it went. What felt good? What felt off? What resources are needed to do more? What barriers are standing in the way? And then doing the next thing based on what you discovered. Trying harder is trudging up the steep stairs. Trying softer is following the switchback path. Trying softer involves clarity on what you want, and curiosity about how to get there.

Say that I have a sense that what I need in this moment is more community, more real-life connections with people who share my values and aspirations. OK, now what? Well, let’s try going to some places where those people might be. Me, I’m trying to get to my local Unitarian Universalist church when I can. Knowing that there are other things I do on Sunday mornings that also involve real-world connections with other people (and dogs). Knowing that so far I am not contributing that much—but also that my presence is worth something. Noticing what loosens the tension in my belly and what brings a smile to the person next to me and what inspires me to think a little differently and what connects me to a broader purpose. Or doesn’t. Acknowledging that this small act is not going to actually fix anything. Acknowledging that small acts that adapt and grow are the way that anything gets done.

What does the world you long for look like? What is the smallest thing you could do today to move in the direction of that world?